A well needed update.

12:22 AM

I can't believe people out there still read my blog even though it's been basically centuries (well okay a few months but it feels like centuries) since I've written in here. Fear not, I've still been writing. But I've been writing a new novel, which I'm currently stuck on, and I got myself a fancy type writer. Although I still haven't put my new ink strips yet.... so that one isn't an excuse. But mostly I don't think I've written because life has for the most part been really good.

For one, mentally I've been in a much better state of mind. I have been overall happier with life and myself and learning to love myself and be more kind. It's to as easy as I imagined. Quite often I am the one who tells people to love themselves better, but apparently I can't follow my own words. But if anyone has read my blog they would understand my struggles with this issue.

Also there's boys. I kept telling myself after my ex that I wanted to take time for myself and figure out what I needed from life, and for the most part I did that. I'm volunteering and working towards advancing within my field and schooling. I have found a new appreciation for the small things in life, I have dreams of things and now have plans for these dreams. I'm living the life I want for the most part. But when it came to my love life, I was a god damn mess. I never stopped with boys. I bounced from flings to flings, went on countless dates but never committed, and with that telling myself that because I wasn't committing in a way I was taking a break from boys. Well that was a god damn lie. So during the summer I did take a genuine break. I took one month to actually not go on dates, not flirt with boys and give in to their games, and to stop going on tinder. That app is a nightmare most of the time. But that month was the best experience. I learnt a lot about myself in that one month than in the two years that I've nearly been single.

So here is a summary:

  1. It takes a lot to really stand on your own two feet. I got used to getting my validation and worth through the words of someone else. I felt like I was doing good enough if someone told me I was, not if I told myself I was. So finding self worth was a struggle but absolutely rewarding
  2. Everything comes in twos and that is just life. Good and bad, sweet and sour, happy and sad, dead and alive, and so forth. It's all about finding a way to balance the two, which is easier said than done.
  3. I learned that I am shit when it comes to dealing with my emotions. I will help anyone in a heart beat but when it comes to helping myself I don't know where to begin. But even worse, I won't ask for help. I convince myself that asking for help is worse because you become a burden to the other person or they just don't know how to help, so what's the use. So that's been a work in progress
  4. I found my love for reading again, but lost my motivation to write in return
  5. Boys really like booty calling girls, but when girls call them out they get soooo defensive. Like chill man, I'm not stupid. I know your games. 
  6. I am the happiest when I am laughing or traveling somewhere new. Therefore, I'm going to Europe this coming new year with my best friends, who make me laugh 24/7 so I'm golden.
  7. I really really really don't know where I would be without my friends and family. Honestly. 
  8. McDonalds is never a bad idea, especially when you feel sad.
  9. Crying is okay. I especially had break downs in the shower, which worked out well cause when you become a snotty mess; it's easy to clean up! And your makeup is already washing off so you don't have to worry about raccoon eyes!
  10. Always have a stash of junk food by your bed and watch really steamy shows like Scandal when you feel glum. It's my new routine when I need to cheer up. I'm trying to convince myself to drink red wine so I can be cool and suave like Olivia while eating popcorn. 
But obviously this time to myself didn't last forever and eventually I caved and decided now that I have a better understanding of me, what I need, and makes me happy, maybe I can get back out there. But this time I wanted to find someone serious; no more booty calls or FWB. Not that I actually slept with any of these poor guys. I was the worlds worst FWB. It was like dating someone with no commitment but with none of the real perks guys look for like sex. I don't know why guys kept up with me. But back to my story, I went on Tinder again. I matched with a few, chatted with a few but nothing really caught my eye. Then a guy messaged me after we had matched up several weeks ago. I wasn’t completely sold by this guy cause a) he had a reputation back when I was in high school (but I mean I always thought he was cute, which is obviously why I swiped right) b) he spelt my fucking name wrong..... ITS RIGHT ON TOP OF THE CONVERSATION. The boy didn't even have to search, it was literally right there. But he was cute and he came back pretty smoothly, and we kept talking but I never expected anything to come out of it. I never really thought of myself as being his type.

Well life throws curve balls, I ate my own words, and now here I am. I was very wrong about him and now do not judge people as quickly based on their past, especially on apps or sites similar to Tinder (well lets hope I’ve really learnt this lesson). There are no real words for him. He just crept into my life and just sent me into a whirl wind. Just caused chaos, but the most beautiful kind of chaos. 

His mind absolutely fascinates me. He is so captivating and genuinely interested in everything. His passion just seeps in anything he talks about and you can't help but be mesmerized and excited about whatever he is talking about because he is just so into it. It's actually quite adorable how into his stories he gets. He will stand up and reenact the entire situation for you or use whatever props he has near him to help you understand the story better. He has a certain way of looking at life that absolutely inspires me, he talks with knowledge and experience versus just saying shit because he can, he takes the time to learn about something or someone whenever the opportunity arises and whenever you tell him something he will remember, unlike me where you need to remind me at least three times before it finally sinks in. Seriously, Joana had to tell me four times how to get to her work for tomorrow and guaranteed she will text me tomorrow to remind me. He’s kind of an oxymoron. Simple, yet complex. There’s so much more to him that I still haven’t figured out, yet he’s also such an open book and not afraid of anything about himself. He is so self-assured and charismatic, you kind just get hypnotized in it all. 

I never expected to like him. To be so fascinated in everything about him, mentally, physically, and emotionally. He has rattled me and shaken everything I thought I knew and I don’t know what to do. Because I really like him. I sometimes get the worst butterflies, it actually hurts my stomach. I. Have. Never. Felt. That. Way. When it first happened I honestly thought I had a stomach ache or I was going to have a shit attack within the next few hours because usually my stomach hurt before it would happen. But nope it was just butterflies. 

My immediate reaction is to shut down, and a part of me has been shutting down. I feel like I stay on this fence between “us” and just “me”. This fence is safe, but it’s not really. But I know i’ve been holding back and not really letting my full self come through, but it’s so hard. It’s so hard to put it all on the line, especially when I really like someone. You just have so much to lose. But I’m quickly learning that maybe that’s the whole point. You can’t have happiness without pain, nor can you have a chance of love without a chance of pain. Everything comes in twos. So now I’m preparing myself to just jump with my eyes closed and hope for the best. To stop thinking and just let whatever happen, happen. He’s so patient with me, I literally don’t know what he sees in me somedays. I don’t really ever want to ask because I have this irrational fear that if I ask he’ll be like “Yeah actually, I don’t know” and leave or something. I don’t really want thing to end right now. I’m happy with this, whatever it may be and wherever it may lead to. I think right now, this is what I needed.

But I shall try and keep you updated more often! I didn’t think I would write much tonight but I was clearly wrong! Until next time dear readers !

Xoxo love,

Bee. 

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