Heartbreak

12:19 AM

This past year has been quite the journey. I went from feeling like I had it all, to feeling like I lost it all, to slowly working back up to having it all. Last summer (2013) I had a boyfriend, school was going well, family life was fine, we had raised over $60,000 for my best friend who was battling cancer, I felt like this was it. Sure there were hiccups, but ultimately I felt like I was on the road to happiness.

Well I was wrong, not entirely wrong, but I was wrong. School became a wake up call, that I really needed to buckle down if I wanted to go anywhere with life. I began juggling the idea that maybe I wasn't meant for this career path. Then not only did my best friend (who had cancer) and I fight and start to lose contact with one another, but by the time we made up, her life was slipping away faster than I knew. I said my final goodbyes hours before she really passed and I thought my world had ended. That was my second heart break of the year, but it ended up being the heart break that caused the most damage.

Between juggling my emotional state and the stress of school (7 classes including labs is not a fun time) I also began juggling the pressures of working out a rickety relationship that seemed to be going downhill faster than I could keep up. I knew the end was coming, but I couldn't let it go. Nearly two and a half years was what I had invested into him, and not only that but he was my first everything. I couldn't stand the idea of throwing it all away, so I forced myself to keep fighting. I couldn't lose him and my best friend. But this wasn't meant to be our fairytale ending, and we couldn't keep fighting for something that wouldn't be. He was my third heart break and my fourth after he officially walked away from me and everything we had when I told him it was time to move on. I sincerely hope he finds someone just as amazing as him, because he deserves it. He deserves happiness, and I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed me to be.

So there I was- no boyfriend, lost my best friend, school was out of control, and my family was starting to crack at the seams as well. I legitimately thought that last year was it, my parents were going to divorce. I didn't think I could handle much more.

But isn't that the thing about life? You have to hit rock bottom before you can go back up? Maybe this wasn't completely my rock bottom, but it was deep enough. I had to learn how to plant my feet back on the ground and make myself feel happy again. I had relied so much on a boy to make me happy, that I felt like I didn't know how to really love myself. And i'm still struggling with that battle. To love myself. It's a long and hard journey, but no one will love you better, right?

I felt alone. But I wasn't alone. I became so consumed in my own misery, that I lost sight of all the good things I had. So now here I am, learning to pick up the pieces and start a new chapter. I can get through this. I will be better, right?

I hope so.

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