Let's talk about self-love

12:16 AM

"Self love is asking yourself what you need -everyday- and making sure you receive it" 

 Self-love is not a hard concept to understand but it is a hard concept to practice. Believe me, I know. When I tell people that sometimes I find myself struggling to love the body i'm in they laugh. I'm 5'3, 95 pounds, and I guess pretty? People tell me they would kill to have the body I have and inside I laugh because I would do anything to change some things about myself. Then i'll be happy, just maybe.

But are we ever happy about ourselves? I feel like there will always be something about ourselves that we don't entirely love. I feel like everyone in some way struggles with self-love, but some people are just better at it than others. Well this is my story of my continuing struggles to not only tell other people that they're not alone, but to remind myself that i'm not alone either.

I've always had a good life. I can't deny that. I have a tremendously supportive and loving family and some pretty kick ass friends. I think my support system in my life plays a huge part in how well I was able to fight through my body struggles. It could have been a lot worse, and I realize that.
From kindergarten to about grade 4 I don't really remember not liking how I looked. In fact I don't think I really cared that much until maybe grade 5 (which I'll go into more details later). This time of my life was so carefree. I miss it. The innocence of it all. When your biggest worry was if you could skip monkey bars, because only the cool kids could really do that. I had lots of friends,
I loved playing with barbies, boys chase girls was the game we always played at recess, and at that time I thought boys were still kinda icky. I mean I was a shy kid, but that comes with my personality and my hearing loss. My world was quiet so I guess I assumed what I was hearing was what others heard too. 

Then grade 5 and 6 hit and things were changing. And I mean changing. Puberty was starting to happen to everyone else but me it seemed! My best friend moved up from training bras to real bras and I hadn't even realistically worked my way up to a training bra! I was in disbelief and envious. I mean girls grow up to believe that boobs means becoming a women and everyone knows boys like boobs. But there I was, still flat as a board. This was also the time I started dressing myself as you can tell, because I didn't think my mom knew what was cool and I needed to look cool to impress boys and make more friends. This was the first time I started really caring about what people thought of me and when I started questioning what was wrong with me.
Then comes good old junior high. Things only seemed to go down hill from here. Girls in my eyes were beautiful and looked far older than I did (and they still continue to…). They had curves, smelled good, wore make up. I mean I thought wearing coloured lip gloss was a huge step, never mind eye shadow. I mean I was in competitive dancing, so I did wear makeup, but I could never imagine myself wearing that to school. Plus my parents always reminded me that natural was better. And until grade 8 I stuck with that. By grade 9 I noticed that girls were dating boys (including my best friends) and I had no experiences and hardly any encounter with boys. What was wrong with me? Well I was still a bean pole and there was nothing I could do about that. I'm a late bloomer. I didn't even get my period until grade 9…. I remember feeling so left out while everyone else bonded over how horrible their cramps are. I was beyond ecstatic when I finally got my membership to the womanhood club. Not anymore, not anymore. So in grade 9 I decided in order to look older and to get boys to like me I needed to wear makeup. Enter my racoon eyes stage. I loaded on that eyeliner. Somehow I got a boyfriend, but that didn't last long. It was all too intense for me and I wasn't ready for that. I was a really really late bloomer and so so innocent. A one month boyfriend that just held my hand in front of my friends and gave me little butterfly kisses was too much. To think people lose their virginity in jr. high blows my mind.

High school was probably the hardest time for me. I seriously struggled to find my place. It's a vicious place, but not just in the outright in your face kind of vicious, but subliminally as well. Everyone just wants to fit in and belong right? But the problem was I didn't really know where I belonged, because I didn't really know who I was. I began to place importance on the idea that the only way to be considered pretty was if boys noticed you and wanted to be with you. I mean I had a lot of guy friends, but I always seemed to be stuck in the friend zone with them. I remember sitting in front of my mirror constantly asking myself why I wasn't good enough. Did I need to change my clothes? Wear something more revealing? Maybe boys just thought I wasn't interesting. I tore myself apart and convinced myself that I just wasn't good enough for anyone. I still had crushes here and there on boys and there was one boy I was head over heels for, but I just couldn't seem to get out of the friend zone.

It's taken a long time to become the person I am today. It's taken 21 god damn years to learn to love the person I am and I still haven't gotten there. There are days where I still question my worth, question my existence, and question if this is the person I want to be. It is so so so hard to learn how to love yourself and if you're ever going through this just remember that you are not alone in this battle. Everyone battles this fight in one way or another, even the people who seem the most put together. But you will get throughout this and in time it will be better. Your scars will make you stronger, because they have made me a stronger person for sure.

Much love readers!



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