11:30 PM

It's a shame how many chances people pass up because they're too afraid. I, myself, am guilty of doing this but I want to break free of that.

All i've done this way is complain about love, how love sucks, boy suck, people suck, life sucks. But if that's the case, why don't I just change it? Why do I give boys the power to hurt me? Why don't I just confront the situation and know. If I know then I can take a step forward instead of staying in this in-between that I was in. I was just in a rut, deciding if I should take a chance, say how I feel, and either move forward or back. Or just stay, where I was, unsure of how they felt, but sure of how I felt, and stay because I got the affection I craved.

So I stayed. For many reasons. I stayed because I was scared. I was scared that I would lose whatever this was. I was scared that I would get an answer I didn't want to hear, and ultimately get hurt again. And I very very much wanted to avoid getting hurt again. But wasn't I just hurting myself more? Torturing myself with the idea that there could be more, but maybe not? Hurting myself by thinking that this person would be willing to fight as much as I would? I didn't know that.

"But "just friends" don't look at each other like that"

I spend half my time investing myself, my time, my soul into people who don't really care. I spend this time looking for affection in shallow waters. I convince myself that they care because why else would someone spend their time investing in someone else? I believe that they do care. That they would be the ones who are there for me on those nights I spend crying myself to sleep, they're the ones who would pick up the first time I call because I just need to get away. Because I would do that for them. But sometimes what you do for others, isn't always what they would do for you.

I spend the other half of my time shutting out people who get too close. I shut off the people who want to explore my darkest, dustiest corners. The people who wants to know the demons I play with everyday. The people who cut themselves as they try to help mend my broken pieces. The people who remember my favourite colour, favourite food, favourite books, movies, or flower.  I shut them out because I tell myself its easier not to feel than to feel pain again.

But at the end of the day as scary as it is, it's better to know because now I can move forward. I can move forward and be with someone who would fight for me. Someone who would want to know everything about me, someone who would try and kiss my pain away, someone who wouldn't need to understand me, but wanted to try and understand me. I need to move forward and do this. I need to stop pushing these people away.

I used to think the easiest way to not get hurt is to avoid any circumstance that would involve pain. But sometimes you can't help how you feel, and pushing it aside doesn't help you grow. I was heart broken and I have learned how to live with that. Now I'm working on love. I think I'm ready. Because isn't that what being human is about? Loving in so many different ways and learning from it? You can love many times, but its never the same love twice as F. Scott Fitzgerald would say. And hey, if you fumble and fall it's okay. Just get back up, because someday you'll look back and at least know you tried. So you'll have no regrets.

So here's to my new adventure: finding love?

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