Dear whoever is awake

12:08 AM

It's raining outside. I've always loved rain, even as a child. In my old house we had this greenhouse connected to the front and I remember my mom and I would try and watch thunder storms in it. I don't know what it is about rain. It's soothing, but sad. But the sadness isn't misery, it's just a a faint cry with a promise of new hope, which I kind of get when I see a rainbow. I guess this weather fits the mood i'm in, or maybe my mood was changed by this weather.

I just feel a little sad. Nothing dramatic but just sad. I don't actually really know why i'm sad. Maybe it's a mix of things. My mind has been preoccupied with the idea of love again. I think i'm just in love with the idea of being in love. Who doesn't want those great epic love stories? A part of me loves the idea.

Just imagine:

Being in love with someone who not only do you feel like is your best friend, but deep down to the core of your bones you know they are your soul mate. They are designed for you and you are designed for them. This love is passionate, exhilarating, adventurous, and kind. They care for you in ways you could never imagine. They remember the little things about you like your favourite flowers are daisies, that you enjoy kisses on your forehead, that you love jelly beans, or that you are obsessed with a specific author so they buy you the book just because it reminded them of you. To be with someone who looks at you everyday like you are the most beautiful person in the room no matter how long you two have been together. To hold that person's hand and feel a connection like no other. To smile not only because you're happy, but because they're happy and you're part of the reason for that.
But it's not just being in love. You should be with someone who you not only grow to love, but you should be with them because they make you become a better person. They don't try to change you, but surely enough you are growing into the person you always dreamed of being.
But alas my readers, I don't think i'll find that anytime soon. Anytime I feel myself developing feelings for someone, I immediately detach and pull myself away. I don't want to get hurt again and I guess a part of me is still afraid I'm not good enough. Plus i'm tired of trying and feeling like I'm the only person invested. I'm tired of being excited to see someone, but I'm not sure if they feel the same way. I'm tired of going out of my way to please someone, even though I know deep down they probably wouldn't do the same. I want to be with someone who will go out of their way to show they care, because I know I would do the same. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me and is excited or something to be with me.

I want, I want, I want. I sound like a needy two year old. But when you've had your heart broken and you've already lost so much, you become cautious with love and love should never be cautious.

At the end of the day the only thing that should matter is that I love myself and I am becoming a better person. I'm still awkward and weird but I'm happy and that should count for a lot, right?

My only tip here my lovely readers is this:

  • Never be with someone who only treats you like your ordinary, because everyone deserves to be treated like they are extraordinary. 
  • Find someone who is afraid of losing you, because that's when you know they really care.

I will post my Bucket List on a page so you can all follow on my summer adventure ! And thank you to all my readers, because I have officially reached 1000 views today for the month and just over 5000 views in total since December :)

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