Dear Heart

11:12 PM

Dear heart,

I'm sorry we're going through this again. One step forward two steps back. Maybe we should just call it quits? Perhaps if we don't get attached there won't be any problems. We won't hurt.

I don't know why its all hitting me tonight. I guess that's what happens when you pretend you're okay for so long; it all comes crashing down at once-pushing you like a wave, suffocating you, drowning you. I look back at everything I have gone through this year and I really wonder how the hell I kept it together. I'm sure I can thank a lot of the people who have been there for me, but then again I never talk to them about a lot of this stuff.

Sometimes I still feel like Crystal is here. She never left me, she is just in the hospital waiting for me to visit her with new and exciting stories with an armful of goodies that her and I can pig out on. Sometimes I still hear her laugh. All these memories just rush back to me, little ones I hadn't even thought of till now. Then I think of all the plans we had for the future. New York. That was the biggest one. We were going to go back because we all fell so in love with the city.

God, I never thought I would have to live a life without you in the future. It's not fair. You were supposed to be here with me. You're supposed to be here with me ranting to me about either how dumb i'm being about boys or reassure me that i'm not screwing up. You're supposed to be here to tell me that it's going to be okay, that it gets easier. Hearts heal. They're supposed to break every once in awhile.

You're supposed to be here.

I watched two people die this year. Literally. I watched life leave a man who was a father, a son, a husband, and like my second dad. I literally watched him take his last breath, leaving behind so many people. Leaving them to pick up the broken pieces. I watched my best friend wither away, day by day, hour by hour. But she still fought till the end. She made me believe she was going to make it, even though she knew she wasn't.

God I miss them.

And now i'm going through my first "big" heart break without them. Without Kenny mumbling something about how I can do better, if he walked away he didn't deserve me. Without Crystal telling me that it gets easier. It really does.

I just don't see how right now.

My heart feels heavy and I feel scared. Alone in a crowd.

A part of me just wants to go out and break hearts. Lead boys on, kiss them, leave them, and move on to the next. But that isn't me. I'm just the bitter remains of a broken heart right now.

I can literally feel myself shut people out. It's like a defence mechanism to keep myself from falling apart because I don't think my heart can take much more. I've already said good bye to too many people in my life. I have already had too many people walk away from me.

But at the end of the day i've learnt something important. Heart breaks aren't this big chaotic explosion, rather a quiet tremble that shakes the world, but only you can feel it.

Do people ever see the pain behind your eyes? Do people know all of this is going on in my head while I stand there smiling at them? Maybe. But for now I will put a smile on and carry on as usual tomorrow. Sometimes I really do feel happy, so I'll try and hold on to that.

Goodnight dear world,

Bee.




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