Just, you know

10:00 PM


Ah school, the thing that consumes all your free time and reminds you why you loved naps so much as a child. No seriously, university has made napping become a hobby for me. I feel like I have developed into a professional napper. What is required to become this, I do not know.


But anyways here is my ramble.

Sometimes life sucks.

Sometimes people suck.

Sometimes situations suck.

But the crappiest part? Life doesn't stop. No matter how much you want it to, it keeps going and doesn't wait.

Life has been so up and down lately that I'm kind of relieved school has started. Makes me not think about things going on, mostly cause I can't really think about things going on. Instead I have to think about things like philosophy of psychology, how to manipulate behaviours, what is an ethical study, why is it not okay to torture people for a study, why this, why that, why, why, why.

It's grande.

But honestly, I decided I just need to keep moving forward, even if it means losing people in my life. 

Okay here is my mini ramble on that topic. 

It really sucks. When you invest so much into a person and they literally throw it away. I feel more than anything, really hurt. We may have not always been the closest, but no matter what I was always there. And I thought we got closer in this past year and a half. I guess not. 

I'm so frustrated because not only was I there to support this person, to root for them in their journey, to make them laugh, to listen to their vents sessions when they just needed someone to listen, but I also put my heart and soul into their cause. I spent a month and a half nearly losing my mind with the amount of work I did for this person. And for what? To be told that it was "over for now".

Why?

Because I expressed how I felt. I honestly was just looking out for this individual and was honestly just letting them know how I felt. And apparently they did not like that. Well if you can't be honest in a friendship, then it's not really a friendship. 

It sucks. I already went through something similar with another individual around the time I was graduating, and my own extended family did the same thing to my family and I. It makes you feel stupid for having to go through something more than once. It's like, how could you let this happen again!

Probably the worst part about the whole thing is this feeling I have in the pit of my stomach, that in the end this person doesn't care. When we first fought, I gave them their space hoping that would be enough to mend the friendship. Just over 3 weeks passed, and I had yet to hear anything. So I confronted them about the situation to find out where we stood. We were "over for now". That really hurt, cause that honestly just seems to mean that they are just not willing to fix anything, put effort into mending the friendship, or even try to understand my point of view. 

I just got dropped.

After everything. 

I would never, EVER, do that. And I would never wish that on another person. The other individual that I fought with before graduation, we did try. We tried to mend things, we tried to work on things but there were too many variables in the way. So we parted, but we're civil now. We can have a conversation and it won't be awkward. This individual just dropped me. Gave up and walked away.

I understand they are going through a lot and god knows how I would feel if I were in their shoes, and that's why I haven't completely walked away. I'm still there for them, but in distance now. But it still sucks that they chose for things to go this way.

I value relationships a lot and am grateful for the people that I do have in my life who are there for me, but after being burned so many times it starts to chip away at you, eat you little by little, and it makes it harder to trust.

But what can you do? It's out of my hands.

But I must go study some more! Hopefully I will update a lot sooner than this.

With love,

Bee.

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