Remember me?

2:59 PM

One of my biggest struggles in grade school had always been with myself and accepting who I am. I was a wallflower, that little girl who sat at the front and didn't talk to anyone. It wasn't that I thought I was better than everyone, I was just shy. I would constantly fight with myself with how I thought others saw me. Was I pretty enough? Was I smart enough? Why don't boys like me? Am I not good enough?

My self esteem was 0. Well I had a little bit of a self esteem, but it was mostly just a front. I followed in the shadows of my friends, staring in envy and aw over their lives. They had boyfriends, went to parties, tried things I hadn't, had so many friends. I did not have boyfriends, and the one I did have didn't last long because I was in grade 9 and it felt like too much to handle. My friends were a few select handful of ones, and others were mostly a friend of a friend's.

I remember dreaming of high school as being this life altering moment where I would break out of my shell and be the girl everyone wanted to be around. But I was never that girl. I was still shy, still quiet, and still insecure.

My insecurities often got the better of me, and by grade 11 I just felt like things we're going downhill. I allowed myself to be pushed and bullied by people because I began to believe that I wasn't worth it. Who would want me? A quiet girl who still looked like she was in junior high, unlike her friends, who had a hearing problem and a lisp. God, my lisp drove me crazy. I hated talking because of it. Most of the time, it was why I was so quiet. I still fight the urge to stop caring about my lisp, and yes I still feel a little pang of pain when people make fun of me for it, especially friends. Why? Because i'm human.

In grade 12 I joined a school musical. I honestly only did it because one of my friends thought it would be fun. The thought of auditioning made me sick with fear. I don't sing, at least not to people. My audience had been my shower head and my dog. But I did it, and I sang, and to my surprise I got a part. I think being a part of this musical was my turning point. I started to learn how to stop caring so much about what I thought others cared about and started focusing on what I wanted. I started to see that there were a lot of people who saw potential in me and believed in me when I didn't. And I finally let go of the people who pushed me down, this being one of the hardest things I have done.

When high school finished things did change. I became confident, slowly. I am a quiet person still from time to time, but I am good enough, at least for myself. I like scary movies and books, don't ask me why I just do. And reading and writing are a huge part of my life. I am a bit nerdy. Thanks to my dad, sometimes I think I act more like a boy than a girl, but it makes me stronger. I am sarcastic, but its never sincere. Yes, there are 16 year olds who look older than me, but when i'm 40 I will be laughing at all of you. No I'm not a double D or have a Nicki Minaj ass, and no i'm not anorexic. I eat, a lot. Food and me are homies. I even keep a bag of chips beside my bed for my late night munchies. I'm also sometimes a little absent minded, but I am smart. One day I will be a psychologist, and yes I do want to work with criminals and the mentally insane, because someone does need to help them.

I'm different, and some people can't handle that. But it's okay, cause I finally learned that I'm not here to please everyone. No one is. I think the most important thing I learned from high school is, is that it's not over. Once you graduate, you leave all of that behind. Those walls of safety protecting you from the real world are gone. People who are strong will make it and go far, and people who are weak and impressionable will get tangled and trapped.

But sometimes I still wonder what kind of impression I left in high school. Did I impact anyone and was not aware of it? Who was the girl I left behind there? Do any of you really remember me?

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