I Tend to Ramble

11:53 PM

Have you ever just sat down and just honestly though about your life. Thought about where you are going, how you'll get there, who will be standing by you?

So many people in my life are changing so fast and sometimes I just want to scream and stop time. Just for a second. I want to go back to a time when people were innocent and being bad meant breaking something of your moms and hiding it from her or colouring on her walls with washable markers.

Sometimes i think we just get lost in the idea of having an ideal life. Once high school ends that's it. You either get a job and support yourself and are forced to grow up, or the people who go on to school, or the people who work but still want to party and stay young. Life changes fast. All you're friends grow in separate ways; creating their own paths. I'm not saying you'll never talk to each other because that isn't true, but you do have to go out of the way to make the time for each other, and its those people who do take the time for you that show you who your real friends are.

I find myself feeling lonely sometimes, which is ridiculous because i'm surrounded by so many people who love me. But if you don't realize all the people who do love you, it's very easy to let those emotions consume you. You get caught up in just trying to fit in, find somewhere to belong because that's all we want in life; to just belong. So we conform to achieve this. We do what we can to get what we need, even if it goes against everything we believe in. For what though? A temporary feeling? What happens when it vanishes? Back to square one?

And it's these moments where I watch the people I love change. Not long ago I had received an e-mail from a friend. We knew each other through family and saw each other at family functions but I wouldn't say we were super tight. I had heard he was going through a lot of struggles between family and friends. These struggles changed him. Maybe he no longer felt like he was apart of something, didn't belong. But whatever impulsed him to make the decisions he did changed him forever. He became bitter, did drugs, drank, ran away, got arrested three times. The boy I knew vanished and was replaced by this person whom became a complete stranger. It honestly broke my heart.

There is nothing worse than knowing someone so well to having that same person stare back at you, but this time a stranger to your eyes.

And that in itself scares me. How can someone let you be so close totem and the suddenly want nothing to do with you. How does a relationship, that may have taken years to build just fall apart, and all that is left is the broken class. It kind of makes you think what is the point? What is the point of putting your heart on the line, if all that could happen is for it to just be crushed. What is the point of building a relationship with people, whether it's family or friends, if all that you get is disappointment.

But there has to be a reason we still fight for it. A reason we still fight for love and life.

I believe that.

I believe if we fight for a dream, love, hope, strength, anything really, then we are fighting for our happiness. We may lose sight of where we were trying to get to, but at some point we have that option to get back on the right track.

Beneath all this jumble all I want to say is this. There are moments when the people I love change, and maybe not for the better. But you shouldn't because the reason I loved you so much is because of the person you were. I saw the passion and creativity you had, I saw this strength I envied, I saw this beautiful person inside you that could possibly change the world and maybe you haven't even seen this person yet, but you will. And I want you to be that person. I want you to rise from every mistake. I want you to smile when everything seems so wrong. I want you to believe in yourself because you're the only one who can chose to fight. I want you to live not waste life. And if you ever think you're alone, think again because you never are. There's always someone hidden in the shadows, waiting there for you if you fall. ( I do realize that kinda sounds creepy LOL)

But my head hurts and none of this made sense so goodnight beautiful people.

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