mirrors

9:53 PM

when you look in the mirror,
who do you see. the girl you are or the girl you wish you could be.

sometimes i catch myself staring at the girl i wish i could be. she's perfect in every way, everyone would love her. when she walks down a street everyone would turn their heads and stare in amazement. she's beautiful and everyone knows it. she is what i desire to be, what i crave. and sometimes i try to be her, this girl in the reflection. i act the way i think she would and i push myself to be her. but i'm not her. she's not me. and this frustrates me, i just want to be perfect. i collapse on my bed and cry, because i have let myself down. i stare at myself in disgust because i can not be her. i'm not good enough i tell myself.

i beat myself down, compare myself to all the other pretty girls who have so many friends, all of them pretty and perfect too. and the boys, the boys know they are amazing, thats why they are around them. these boys make an effort to be noticed by them. they try to upstage one another just to be in the lime light; why can't they do that for me i think.

so i dress differently, wear more make up, act like them.

but something is wrong, this isn't what was supposed to happen. why don't i feel better?

my friends look at me differently, they don't want to be around me. but that's okay i can do better i tell myself.

but i'm still not like them. maybe i should drink more. smoke? why not it wouldn't kill me. i feel really dizzy. i think i had too many shots, wait there's a boy. he's smiling at me. oh god, he's walking over fix your skirt, wait no hike it up a little bit. he has a drink for you, should i take it? i heard scary stories about drugging drinks but he wouldn't do that. he seems really nice and i can tell, oh gosh i feel even more dizzy. i wanna dance.

just dance.

now he's dancing with me. his hand is somewhere it shouldn't be. i want to push it away, but he would just find another girl so i won't. he's taking my hand, where are we going i want to ask but my mouth is too dry.  

it's the kitchen. people are laughing, they are so beautiful. do i look like that?  i tuck my hair behind my ear subconsciously and wish i could find a bathroom to see if i still look hot. or maybe i just need to throw up. water? water could help.

there's a blonde, bright blue eyes. she smiles lighting up the entire room. she has a spot saved for me she says, pulling out a chair. i smile and try to utter out a thank you, but i can't so i just stumble to the chair. a guy smacks my ass. i want to smack him or run, but then they wouldn't want me around.

the blonde lightly touches my shoulder and in her other hand she hold a small white pill. it reminds me of fresh snow, so pure and blinding. don't take it, but i do. it rolls in my palm leaving chalky residue. all the beautiful people are holding one, some even have two. each have a glass in front of them filled with a clear substance. i want to think it's water but all i can smell is alcohol and i wonder if maybe i spilt some on me.

one guy pops the pill in and immediately calms down. he seems to be in a daze, in his own world. the blonde beside me takes hers. she was giggling before, this really infectious giggle, but now she's somber. she's swags slightly. she looks at me, her eyes on the pill then she holds her gaze at me. she doesn't need to tell me, i know what she wants.

i hold it up to my lips. what is this? what if i die? everyone else seems to be okay.

the chalky texture spreads in my mouth, it feels so dry. i reach for my water and drink it.

my world changes. everything seems to slow down. my head spins.

i wake up.

i feel cold. i push myself up but i can't. i feel to heavy, where am i? all i see is porcelain. it's a toilet. puke surrounds me sending pungent odour in the air. the tile makes me feel cold, and inside i feel numb. i cry.

my clothes aren't on anymore i realize. i feel dirty.

i close my eyes.

---

the white pill.

i went to party again with the same people. i forgot about everything that day, it was an accident, maybe i agreed to it? i have a new boyfriend, he calls me beautiful. and when he does i believe him. i think he cares about me, i think. but a part of feels sick because i think he just wants sex. but he likes me. he holds my hand and takes me out. he buys me pretty things. so i let him. i don't like it, it makes me feel like less of a person, but all the girls do it. they give me tips

they've become my "bitches". we have sleepovers, we cheat off each other in class, we shop lifted a couple times too. i got such an adrenaline rush from it. they give me white pills, and purple ones that make my world spin fast, and powder. the powder makes me feel like i have power, like i can conquer anything. i love the feeling.

thats all that matters.

my parents don't like this "new me" but they don't understand. i have everything i wanted. i am that perfect girl who is with the beautiful people. people look at me and envy me. i have a boyfriend, but i think he is cheating on me, but thats okay he's still my boyfriend.

my parents yell at me, but i don't hear what they say because i already took the pill. my world is slow. they move in slow motion, hands slowly hitting the air, mouths moving slowly, words sounding deeper. i giggle. my mothers falls to the ground and cries. my father looks emotionally drained. they look so hurt. i want to reach for them, tell them its okay. i grab my mothers hand. dark circles have formed under her eyes. she looks so old, like she has aged 10 years in just a little under a month. have i done this to you. she cringes from my touch and turns to my father, who is crying. my father crying? he stares into my eyes and i listen. his words cut through me. "who are you?"

i feel hot tears streak down my face. i run. the lights in the bathroom feel hot on my face. i stare at the girl in the mirror.

where has my life gone? where have my morals gone? i look horrible. my skin looks grey and my cheek bones stick out. i thought looking skinny made me look good but my bones stick out. my friends hate me. my new friends don't give a fuck. my boyfriend fucks every girl in the school and treats me like his little hoe, but that's what i've turned into. i punch the mirror. the girl stares back at me and laughs.

you wanted to be perfect, so here you go. i fall to the floor, pain shooting through me. i concentrated on being perfect that i lost myself completely. my life is hanging by a thread.

the girl i yearned to be is killing me. she has become my own worst enemy. i have become my own worst enemy. i close my eyes, and remember the girl i used to be.

when you look in the mirror who do you see. the girl you are or the girl you want to be. sometimes i see the girl i want to be, but then i remember the girl i am and she smiles back at me.

somedays when i look in the mirror i see both the girl i am and who i want to be, and when i see that i smile because i know who i am.

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