i`d like to say sorry

5:56 PM

i remember when i was little and when ever i did something bad, like break something of my moms, i would hide it and lie to her telling her i had no idea what happened to the toy. eventually she would catch on and tell me its better to say something then hide it. just because it seems easier doesn`t mean its right.

and she`s right. all this time i`ve been hiding and several people have pointed out that i act "fake". perhaps i truly am, and in the prosess i have hurt so many people.

i know im not always as i seem to be. everyone thinks "oh shes so sweet and nice and a loyal friend" but i dont think i deserve that title.


i remember the first time i met you, the most awkward situation turned into something good haha. we used to talk about the randomest things, but things changed and i regret everything. i shouldn`t of believe in what they said, i should of trusted you. but the whole situation was so confusing and you just sat there and watched everything unfold. it was like you played along with it, thats what lost me. a part of me didn`t want to believe you would really do such a thing, i really did try. but then that night when you told me what happened, i broke. i already had so much going on i couldn`t hold it in anymore. i snapped. the thought that you would actually do that hurt me so bad. but i`m sure the words that came out of my mouth hurt too. and im sorry, i said things in retaliation that i shouldn`t of had. but you need to understand, expecting me to be okay with everything wasn`t fair, because it ended up hurting more people then expected. that day something died between us, you saw the real me and i saw the real you. you told me maybe "we just can`t handle the "real" us, the real us could not be friends", but i don`t think thats true. i think our problem was we both acted like something we weren`t and when our walls came down it shocked us. i`m sorry for what i said to you. i truly am.


you have been there for me since beginning of time. we`ve had our ups and downs our good and bad. but no matter what has happened somehow we managed to stay true. but i haven`t always been the greatest friend to you either. sometimes i would push you out of my life and turn to others. i was always so scared to lose you tho, and sometimes i thought if i held on too tight you would leave. i remember we used to spend hours confessing but now its like we have to force it out of each other, and i dont want that. i trust you with my life and i know i can come to you for anything. i`m just healing, give me some time. i`ll admit at some points i did think you acted bitchy to others, but then again so did i. we both have our faults, but the truth is no matter what happens a part of me will always need you. i`m scared. i`m scared that i will get no where in life. that i`ll get to watch you move ahead, without me. i`m jealous of how you can walk into a room and within seconds you are friends with everyone. i`m jealous how composed you always seem, even when you aren`t. sometimes my jealousy gets the better of me. so i am sorry for everything i`ve said to you and done to you throughout all these years, but in the end you know that i look up to you and need you. thanks for always being there, even when i didn`t see it.


i`m not sure if you will ever read this. i know its too late to go back and change anything that happened. i know you probably dont want to hear me apologize. but you deserve an apology from me. and not just because i didn`t stop her from yelling at you, or for being a horrible friend. but for so much more. all this time you`ve been known as the "bitch" but honestly you are far from that. yes, what you said to me, hurt a lot. especially since i have always looked up to you for advice. you always gave me the most honest and rational advice even when it hurt. when you called me those things, i said things i shouldn`t have only because in a way you`re right. i am immature because i can`t deal with my problems. i hide behind people and agree with everyone else. i am a bitch because i threw someone i considered to be my best friend because of something that could of easily been avoided. all i had to do was stabd up for myself. i guess that does make me spineless doesn`t it? i was a horrible friend to you in so many ways. and i realize this now. i acted like someone i wasn`t and you were the only one who could see. you weren`t the bitch, you were the honest one. you never acted as someone you weren`t, you told us straight from the beginning who you were and what we should expect. you told us things that were brutally honest, and sometimes i didn`t want to hear them because deep down i knew they were true. but that shouldn`t make you a bitch. it`s sad that my realizations had to happen after all this. its sad that i won`t get tangents on buffy the vampire slayer, or how we both rave on about our parents. but what is the most pathetic part is how i didn`t stand up to save what we had, i just let it go. but i need you to know that i didn`t let it go because i don`t care. i valued our friendship, i valued everything you told me. i let it go because i honestly don`t know how to stand up for myself. i`m so used to everyone pushing me to do something, giving me that extra boost that i forgot how to speak my own mind, i forgot to show the people how much i cared about them. i am horrible at showing emotions. i am sorry for how much i have hurt you, especially since i know what you have been through. i`m sorry things happened the way they did, i regret how i treated you. i wouldn`t expect you to forgive me, because that would be unfair. but i would like to say thank you. thank you for showing me who i truly can be, the good and the ugly. thank you for helping me gain my self confidence. thank you for everything you have done for me, and i hope for the best for you.


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