No matter how long you wait, life will still be ahead of you.

4:36 PM

It's crazy how when our world stops turning, we still watch everyone else's go by. Life just never ends, and it never waits for you to catch up with it, doesn't that suck?

Well today i remember this old feeling i had, back when my grandpa died. That was one of the hardest days, and it wasn't too long ago. I remember being so excited to see him, it'd been like 3 years. And in my mind i never thought he was in a serious condition because he had a lot of heart problems, but he'd always been his chubby, happy, jovial, self. But when i was him in the hospital i realized it was more serious then i thought. His smile was painted on, trying to mask the pain, he was so thin, skinnier then me, like he was just a skeleton with flesh. The hollow look in his eyes sent shivers down my spine. I remember fighting back the tears because a part of me knew he'd never leave the white walls that kept him from the outside world. He'd never get to tell me about how to plant trees (he loved his garden), or tell me crazy stories about my dad. He'd never see my graduation, see me get married, see my children, or anything. I remember crying and he'd tell me "don't worry about me, i will be alright, soon i won't feel a thing." and at first i thought that meant he would get better, that maybe it wouldn't be as bad as it looked. But the day he died he had 5 heart attacks and the machine he was hooked up to shocked him 14 times in less then a day, and the average shock-age you should get is once a month. his heart was giving up, the machine was the only thing keeping him alive. I was on the phone with him, and i remember telling him not to give up, don't leave me. Now i see how selfish it was of me cause i wanted to keep him here, suffer through the pain. I was selfish for getting mad at him for leaving me. But i knew it was better for him to go, i just didn't want him to.  Ever since then i haven't talked to my grandma or my cousin that lives here. And its sad, cause we only have so long to live, and i know deep down if anything happened to them i'd be filled with regret for not reaching out to them until they hear what i have to say.

but what do i do?

its been so long, being around them would be so unfamiliar. They're like strangers now, my own family just long lived memories from the past. 

But i decided today that there was just too much that i needed to work out, because who knows this could be my last day? what if something happened? these would be my last words, my last feeling, and man oh man if it was my last day i'd be so disappointed cause there's so much i need to do, to say, to become. So from now on i will be a better person and lead a better life, always trying to see the better of life, and take more chances so i don't live in regret. 

first major project, reach out to my cousin.

just this thought actually makes me so nervous, i don't know if i can do it. But i will try, i need to cause at least if i try i know i actually did something about it.

so remember, life is only as good as we make it, so take every chance you have, create wondrous opportunities for yourself, create a bucket list (a realistic one) and strive to do everything on that list, spend time with your family, cause they are the best friends you will ever have cause their love is unconditional, and they know you better then anyone else. Take each day as a lesson, and be thankful for what you have and to be alive. 

As for me, well i'm going to try and take my own advice.

I will answer some questions you guys sent in and then off to dance : )


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